Tuesday, September 11, 2012

why laying in a broken pile on your mat is enough

Some days yoga is easy, your body asks you for it, begs you for it. Your mat seems to unroll itself and you float on to it.  You think about the ease of your practice and how yoga is so right for you and your life.

Some days it takes every ounce of strength you have just to put your mat on the floor. That day you lie in a broken pile on your mat, and that is your yoga.  You think, "I'm not sure if I can even keep breathing, but if I can that's my yoga today." And so you do, and its excruciating.  Every breath feels like a marathon.  The idea of leaving your thoughts off the mat that day is an impossibility. Your thoughts swirl around you and taunt you, refusing to quiet.  You laugh to yourself as you think "I just need to breathe louder than my thoughts."  Because your thoughts are screaming at you.

Today I am lying in a broken pile.  I don't even know how I made it on to my mat. But I know at 3am I woke up crawled out of bed and curled up here and I can't really tell you why I chose that this morning.

Yoga serves different purposes on different days. There are days its a workout, I just want to sweat so I practice.  There are days I need some introspection and so I meditate though my practice.  Today I don't know if I can do anything more with my life than just lie here, so that's exactly what I'm doing.

I've spent the past days barraging myself with positive ideas. When something good leaves you have space for something even better. Standing in the rubble of what once was is an opportunity to build again.  Fear of being alone is just that, fear, so acknowledge it and get stronger.  Thinking all those positive thoughts felt like the right thing to be doing right now.

But right now those positive thoughts aren't serving me.  You've heard me and a million other yoga teachers tell you, "Whatever isn't serving you today, just let it go." Well, today all that positivity isn't serving me.  Today I am served by feeling my excruciatingly deep pain.

Don't get me wrong, especially on a day like today I feel gratitude.  It's September 11th, and to not mention the tragedy that this country faced 11 years ago would be a mistake.  And so today, even as I feel like the pain I am feeling is deeper, and darker, and impossible to climb out of, I know deep down it isn't.  And that is when I feel a glimmer of gratitude and those positive thoughts start to trickle back in.

I know that in order to feel pain this deep and profound, to have my heart broken so completely means that my heart was totally exposed and I loved deeply.  The person I loved taught me how to love myself when I hated myself. I know that I loved someone more than I had ever imagined possible and that person loved me more than I even loved myself. When I think about it that way how can I feel anything but gratitude, what more can I ask for than to have had someone in my life who truely saw me and loved me?

Today it feels like I'm never going to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart. And so today I'm not going to.



  1. This is such a sad post. I just saw that you follow my blog and I decided to check out your blog. I also practice Yoga and I sort of know what you're talking about. I also see you just started law school. Things will get better. Hang in there. We've all been there. Can you imagine life without the pain? You wouldn't appreciate the sweetness. And there will be better days for you. Life has more imagination than we do. Just wait and see. HR

    1. HR,

      Thank you so much for your kind comment. I always love your blog and I'm glad to see you've ventured over to my little yoga world for a moment.

      Wise words from you, the pain is what makes the sweetness of life that much sweeter.

      Hope to see you on the mat soon!


  2. Surprise! I read your blog often, and I'm grateful for the wisdom, the thoughts, and the openness with which you write and express yourself. You've always been someone who brings positivity into every situation, and to read this post is, yes, very sad, but it's also a refreshing outlook. I have been through some tough times myself, as we all have, and sometimes you just have to allow yourself to be in a pile of broken pieces until you're ready to slowly but surely allow light to bring the pieces back together. Easier said than done, but from your more recent posts, it seems like you've found a way to do just that. Your perspective in a time of pain and heartbreak was organic, and it seems you allowed yourself to feel truth, as painful as it was and probably still is. Sending you smiles and a hug... Fill that open space with something wonderful.... Like salted caramel or puppy hugs! :) - Alexi