Its not my first time writing on this subject, I have a hard time saying no. I'm a natural pleaser, a caretaker. Of late I've been working on being more careful with how I go about putting those efforts out into the world. I've realized I don't want to change who I am, I love taking care of the people around me, I just don't want to get taken advantage of by people who don't care for me back. I want to retain who I am by surrounding myself with people who get it.
Yesterday I got a text from someone who hasn't treated my particularly well asking me for a favor. It was so in my nature to just do the favor for them that I had to stop myself from responding right away and think it through. How would I feel after I did the favor? Like garbage was the answer. I would resent that I had taken my time to do something for someone who would never appreciate it or thank me. It was hard for me but I referred them to someone who would be able to help them and stepped out of the situation.
Now obviously that didn't work perfectly because here I am writing about it the next day. There is a part of me that is still worried that I might have been too harsh or that I should have just done the favor because it wasn't that hard for me to do. The stronger part of me knows that had I done the favor I would be upset with myself. Its a growing pain for me.
A few weeks ago I traveled with a friend to the middle of Florida for a race she was competing in. Not to sugar coat it, it was a pain in the ass to deal with. I had to sub my classes, board my dog, and spend my weekend in a podunk town. And I loved every second of it.
So what's the difference? A tiny favor for someone vs. an entire weekend away - on the surface the weekend away seems like the greater effort. The entire weekend I knew how much my friend appreciated me being there. I didn't feel for a second like I was "doing a favor" I was just hanging out with my buddy and I couldn't help but feel all the love she was sending my way.
My work is surrounding myself with people for whom giving my love and effort to, doesn't feel like work, or a favor, or an effort. I'm working on curating relationships where I can just be myself and trust that the people I have surrounded myself with are there with all the right intentions.
This year will be my first valentine's day that I'm not dating someone since I was in high school. The part of me that loves being with someone, caring for someone, making them dinner on February 14 is incredibly sad. Romantically, I am on my own for the first time in my adult life.
But there is another part of me.
The part of me that's been loving coming home from work to take my dog on a walk then ride my bike to practice yoga for two hours, before I come home and eat eggs and quinoa for dinner (this is my idea of an ideal evening). The selfish part of me that loves doing what I want, when I want, without checking in with anyone else. I love drinking my coffee standing in the middle of my kitchen.
I love blogging on a Saturday afternoon. I love taking two yoga classes in a row on a Sunday morning.
I have spent years dedicating my practice to something greater. Someone else, an idea, a goal, a thought, and cause. I ask my students to do it every week. For the last few weeks I've been asking for something different from them and I've been dedicating my practice in a different way. I've been asking myself and my students to dedicate their practice to themselves. Do what makes you feel good on the mat, nothing less, nothing more. Walk out feeling better than you did when you rolled out your mat. That is my purpose. Feeling better can mean mentally, physically, emotionally, whatever you need right now.
That's it. So simple.
It has brought me incredible joy to practice in this way. In the way that months ago I found myself crying in pigeon, now there are times when I just crack into an uncontrollable smile. I am so damn happy with my life its overwhelming.
I hope you're having a beautiful heart cracking Valentine's Day. I know I am.
Namaste,
Rachel
PS. One of the things I love most about teaching is making a playlist, here is my Valentine's playlist. The perfect music to fall in love, get busy, and break up to. valentines yoga 2015
goals, goals, goals, goals (please sing that in your head to the tune of
Jay-Z's Girls, Girls, Girls, Girls.) I love them. You know that by now. I
love a to do list, a plan, an achievement. As the year comes to an end its
only natural to reflect on where we’ve been, where we’re going. Buy into the
hype that you need a resolution for 2015. What is your year going to be about?
What will you achieve? How will you be different? I started to think as 2014 is
wrapping up where all this goal setting is getting me.
I know it gets me thinking about the past. A lot. And planning for the
future. Even more. Neither of these are really what I want. Be present, stay centered,
live in this moment. That's what yoga preaches to us right? Yet, here I am
bouncing myself between my past and my future, stopping on my mat in between on
occasion. I can do it on my mat, so I know it’s possible for me. I get on
the mat and for that hour or so I stop. I’m just present. Whether I’m teaching
or practicing I don’t leave that room.
I do have those moments where I look around and think, "Thank you God.
This is pretty perfect." It happens often, but I have a hard time staying
there. I say thanks and then I start to plan how to make it happen again
instead of hanging in that moment of pleasure, extending it, savoring it.
2014 was an incredible year for me and I am so grateful for every single
moment of it. I learned more about myself this year than I ever have before; I’ve
come to realize just how much more I want to learn about myself.
I can't say I’m not setting goals for 2015. I’m not just going in, seeing where the chips may fall, and then loving my life. I haven’t grown
quite that way this year, I made a goal for 2015. I don’t know that I’ll
ever be a person who doesn’t set goals, but I know that I can set a goal that
gets me going more in the direction I want to be headed.
I sat down over the weekend and talked with one of the smartest, most
accomplished people I know about goal setting. They might be even crazier than I
am about schedules and goals. I knew having a conversation with them was going to bring me clarity about what 2015 has for me. As we sat talking about what our year would be
like, I settled into exactly what my goals for this year are. I’m not splitting
it up into work, personal, teaching, like I have in the past.
This year is going to be about enjoying the moment I’m in. Feeling that
satisfaction I’ve been trying to hunt down. Figuring out what kind of space I want
to take up. Following my heart and my gut even when it terrifies me.
Transitions. That moment in handstand when you engage your fingertips and start to bend your elbows. You're either about to look like the coolest, most graceful yogi, or come tumbling onto your face.
Last Friday night I was in a class playing around with a transition when I started to lose my balance. I should mention something at this point in the story, I was in the front row about 6 inches from a mirror. I started to do the right things, use my finger tips, engage my core, press through my heels, but there was no saving me. I went full throttle into the mirror. Then came sliding down onto the ground like a cartoon, landing with an "oomph." "Are you OK?" my teacher had seen the entire thing. "Yep, I'm good." I was hysterically laughing. What else can you do in that situation? (As a side note I have a pretty badass eyebrow bruise to show for this feat of submission to gravity.)
It was such a perfect mirror of my life right now. Just when I though I was going to stick that landing, here I am sliding down the mirror. I'm working on moving, adjusting my priorities, figuring out what exacting sticking the landing is going to look like for me. The hardest part about this transition is I have no idea. No idea where I'm landing, no idea how to land, no idea what the landing is supposed to look like. This just might be the first time in my life that's true for me... so that's scary.
I am a planner. I don't just want to know what I'm doing for the rest of the day, what am I doing April 18? Not knowing what the future holds is terrifying to me. I don't want to say I'm calculated because there is a connotation to calculated that is negative, but I'll tell you everything I do is written in a planner at least a week ahead of time. If you want to make plans with me, act accordingly.
I realize how crazy this is. I realize spontaneity is beautiful; waking up and doing whatever you feel like doing that day is the perfect way (for some people) to spend their Sunday. I am not that person. I feel unstable and anxious not having a plan.
So, the past month or so has been a real challenge. I'm trying to feel comfortable in those moments where I'm not sure what's going to happen or how I'm supposed to get there.
Am I feeling any more satisfaction? Shockingly- yes. Even when I'm not sure how I'm going to land I am positive that even if I go catapulting into the mirror, I'll look bad ass with that bruise.
I've been in a bit of a rut of late, so I've been searching.
Searching for how to make my self happier, more fulfilled, the best version of myself.
A few weeks ago I was in a yoga class and the teacher started talking about santosha. It was as if an explosion happened in my head. "That's it," I thought, "That's what I'm missing." Santosha is the sanskrit word for contentment, satisfaction, fulfillment. Its a word that has always resonated with me - if nothing else what I want most for myself is satisfaction. For a while I thought about it all the time when I practiced, it was my intention, what I meditated on for months. At the end of each class, and even throughout the day, I would think to myself, "Yes, I am satisfied."
And then I started to let it go. I didn't think of it as frequently, it drifted and dwindled. At some point I forgot about it all together. I became absorbed with other things, life got busy, it got complicated, and I stopped concerning myself with myself.
So weeks ago when a teacher mentioned santosha again it hit me deep. I haven't been feeling that settled feeling that to me is santosha in a while. I did all the wrong things, I blamed every element around me for my unrest. I sunk deeper into the feeling that I couldn't be satisfied. I had begun to worry that the unhappiness I've been feeling might not be something I can shake. I had let that go on for months, never working on the root of the unrest: myself.
I'm someone who's almost always in a good mood. I love to laugh and smile. Of late everything has felt forced. I feel like a shadow of my regular happy self. I see pictures of myself smiling with sadness in my eyes. I cried during the entire last half of a yoga class last week (those hip openers man).
The biggest problem with feeling like you're dwindling is how hard it is to find yourself again. If you catch it before its too deep it seems like you can bounce back. I shot down that rabbit hole and found myself so deep in I forgot who I am. And I know now that's my own fault, no one forced me, no outside force is responsible for how I feel.
Now comes the real discomfort, even deeper than the unrest I've been feeling, now I have to go deal with it. I'm being gentle with myself, but I'm also engaging in what is most uncomfortable for me. I am letting myself feel lonely, feel exposed. It sucks. But I know it won't for long.
I'm a goal setter, I love a new year's resolution. I always find that as I start to think about my resolution, or goal for next year, I look back at last year and assess what I'm leaving in my wake.
self- practice with the puppy at home
I am of the strong belief that every moment of your life is a lesson. If you choose not the learn the lesson the first time, life will let you keep repeating that experience until you learn. That can lead to moments of incredible frustration. As you've heard me say one too many times, I over commit myself. In the moments that I think I can't possibly keep all my balls in the air I have to smile and realize I'm just not learning this lesson. You might remember my goal to wait 30 minutes before comitting to anything and I'm proud to report that I have been abiding by my waiting period as well as saying no more often. So, while that would have been a perfect resolution for me, I'm just going to have to find something else.
My resolution last year wasn't too lofty, just to waste less food. I tend to buy more than I need and let food go bad and throw it out. I did a pretty good job this year of buying fewer groceries, and throwing less out in the end. In the past I've resolved to be nicer, slow down, do more yoga, and call my mom more.
leading FREEdOM Flow
I'm in a plane right now on my way to family vacation (mind blown by technology, wifi in a plane, who knew?) and I can't help but reflect on my year as I sit in my seat. 2012 has been one of the craziest years of my life without question. I completed another yoga teacher training, started teaching at Green Monkey, painfully ended a long and amazing relationship, started my LLM in Taxation, secured my dream job for after law school, and started a brand spanking new relationship that I couldn't be more head over heels about. Just writing it all out is exausting. I am beyond brimming with gratitude for my year, but I can't help but remember (with thanks to this blog) some of the tougher moments that I have gone through this year. It's with all these changes in mind that I've been trying to work out an appropriate goal for 2013.
This upcoming year promises to be another year of change, only this time I know it's coming, where as last year I seemed to be blindsided by change. I'm looking ahead to my last (thank G-d) graduation, studying for the bar, traveling back to Israel, starting a new job, and my first trial as a big bad lawyer. So when it comes to goal setting is setting a goal for the entire year even reasonable? I think that it might not be, I'm a big fan of small digestible goals, so I'm going to go for four smaller goals. So here they are, in cold hard ink, which means you get to hold me accountable to them, which is very very very very scary.
1. Run my second half-marathon, beat my time from the first one.
2. Master my headstand.
3. Blog more than twice a month.
4. Keep in touch with the people I love more.
I wish all of you a great finish to 2012, fill it with the people you love, tell them that, maybe even a little more than you usually would.
Friday is usually my morning to sleep in late, take a nice long run, go to the dog park, and hang out. But this morning my alarm went off early and I jumped out of bed, put on real pants (ones not made out of spandex) and went to city hall to vote! This was my very first presidential election voting in person and after waiting for an hour and a half in line at 7am, I finally got to vote. And it was awesome.
waiting an hour and a half was not so awesome, but this view while waiting was
I headed to the dog park, still wearing my "I voted" sticker, smiling my "I just acted as a concerned citizen smile." Where someone remarked that he wasn't voting because "it doesn't matter" and "[I'm] retarded if [I] think [my] vote counts" My head spun around and flew off of my body. Literally. A good Samaritan had to go retrieve it. Don't worry I've put some arnica and tea tree oil on it, its fine.
So, beyond the fact that its 2012 and this man used the word retarded, which is completely and utterly unacceptable, this man doesn't believe in voting. It is taking all of my effort to not go into a rant about how incredibly blessed we all are to have the right to vote, which remember is not a right in many places. Until recently women and people of color couldn't vote. But, I won't go there right now.
Let's talk about voting from a perspective of just being a person who is alive in the world. Forget about your political affiliations, the issues that press your buttons, just think about being a citizen who walks around in the world every day. You have to care about what is happening around you. You breathe air, you drive on roads, you see people jobless and homeless on the street, a crazy hurricane just hit New York. How can you not care?
Maybe this is a result of having the mother that I do. A mother that made it clear that the problems of the community were my personal problems. A mother that made it clear that it was my responsibility, as a person who was educated and lucky enough to have rights and privileges that other do not enjoy, to make sure the world was a fair place.
What's my point here you might ask, and how does it relate to yoga? OK I'm getting there, hang on.
Apathy. That is my point. Not only is apathy just about the most unsexy quality a person can possess, it is also makes you a terrible citizen and person. Yea, that was kinda harsh, but I also think its very true. I don't know when people thought this became cool, but evidently there are people that think not caring is cool. It isn't. It is extraordinarily lame. As lame as using the word retarded as a slur.
In yoga we dedicate our practices to bigger ideas and things that need our energy, we as teachers dedicate our time through karma yoga, we as yogis go to charity class after charity class donating our time and money, we care. So I recognize that I'm preaching to the choir, but you the choir are out in the world with these apathetic people, they roam amongst us, dressed like regular citizens.
If you are apathetic to the world around you, you are barely a part of the world around you. We say it in yoga about the breath, if you aren't connecting with your breath you haven't even walked into the studio yet. So I'm saying this, if you don't care about what is happening to the other humans roaming the earth with you, you haven't even walked into the world yet.
Yoga is all about caring for the rest of the world around us. Sure we care for our own bodies and minds, but we also care so deeply for our fellow humans. It's the whole meaning of namaste, we look into the eyes of any other person and see the higher power within them. We can't just say namaste at the end of class, we have to live namaste. If you look someone in the eye and say "I see the higher power in you and I love you for it," you must care for that person.
Namaste,
Rachel
ps- A special happy birthday to one of my most loyal readers, my sister-in-law Jill, who has always taught her kids to care about the world around them and stand up for what they believe in. Jill gave me my very first yoga job and I did my first teacher training in her studio! I love you!
So I disappeared. Again. And why you ask? Those who know me will not be in any way surprised by this- I over committed myself. Shocking, I know.
You may remember me blogging about how I love when a yoga teacher teaches a theme in class that seems to come right from my life and speaks to my soul. I have become my own teacher. I seem to stumble on these quotes, then create a class around a theme. When I look back I can't help but think I should be taking my own advice a little more. A lot more.
I talked about priorities in my classes last week. About how each thing you choose to you means you choose not to do another. Thats an OK thing to do, to choose one thing over another. But I've never lived that lifestyle. I've always chosen option E: all of the above. I, for some reason think I'm sort of superhero who doesn't need to eat or sleep and can just go go go all the time. I, unsurprisingly, am not actually a superhero.
So why do I keep doing this is the first question? Quickly followed by how do I stop doing this.
Last week I taught 11 yoga classes. Yes, its actually possible to do that and go to school full time. However, it isn't possible to sleep or eat or breathe or have friends while you do that. So I was a little miserable.
I've always kind of been of the mindset if you love something you can't have too much of it. I love teaching yoga, so teaching 11 times last week seemed like a good idea when I agreed to it. I totally overdosed on teaching though. You know the phrase if you love something let it go? I need a little leash space from my yoga teaching.
I actually managed to prioritize teaching over myself. Yikes, I'm upset just writing that out. So, I'm scaling it back a touch. Or I should say I'm going to try to scale back.
On to the next question- how do I stop saying yes so much? Because for me that is really the issue. I want the people around me to be happy, I love taking care of them, so I always say yes when they ask for anything. You need a sub, a ride to the airport, a meal brought to your house? Sure I'll do it.
So, I'm going to have to start saying no. Much easier said than done. But don't worry I have a game plan. From now on when someone asks me to do something I'm going to wait at least 30 minutes before I respond. Because my tendency is to say yes immidiately, maybe taking some time to make the decision about whether I should say yes will induce me to say no more frequently.
I've had some intense posts lately, but not to worry its not all doom and gloom over here. I'm a happy camper most of the time, as such here it is a whole post about happiness, gratitude, thanks, fulfilment.
108 is a significant number in both Buddhism and Hinduism, japa malas have 108 beads. So here it is, 108 things I am totally in love with and grateful for right now.
My puppy (you knew that was coming)
2.The fact that you always have a chance for a new beginning
3. The awesome new yoga gig I got yesterday- hello, Fountainbleau
4. Fall break is in 3 days!
5. I will be done with corporate tax class in 3 days!
6. Hot pink yoga pants
7. The ability to back up my computer
8. Actually remembering to backup my computer
9. Hot tea
10. The smell of amber oil- perfume, in hair, on my mat
11. Friends, who call me and text me exactly when I need it
12. Family, who call me and text me even when I don't need it
13. sparkling water
14. Huge kitchen table/ desk/ mail sorting area
15. Having more art than wall space
16. My ever growing yoga mat collection
17. My ever growing yoga pant collection
18. The number of oils I now own, not the cooking kind, the scented kind
19. My reclaimed love of running
20. The stack of magazines just waiting for me to take them to the beach next week
21. Cuts, bumps, bruises, scratches all over my legs from an awesome Mud Run on Sunday
22. Playing Jay-Z in yoga class
23. The yoga loyalists who show up at 6:30am twice a week to practice with me
24. lebneh
25. A best friend who is willing to g-chat all day, and supplement constant g-chatting with at least two phone calls in order to deal with emergencies such as: I'm not sure which shade of hot pink to paint my nails, I'm not sure if I'm doing anything right in my life, I'm not sure what to teach my class tonight.
26. the feeling of settling into savasana after a super hard practice- what can I say I love lying in a pool of my own sweat
27. the temperature is FINALLY dropping- it just might get down to the high 70's next week
28. I get to go to the beach in the middle of October
30. the feeling when a yoga teacher opens the door after a sweaty hot practice and a breeze rushes into the room
31. waking up before the alarm goes off and feeling totally rested
32. a little sister who regularly dances around in a leotard and fur vest (don't worry Bex I'll save the video for a special occasion)
33. Orchids
34. Coconut Oil. In food. In hair. On skin. Its literally the greatest product in my world
35. Carmex- specifically vanilla flavored
36. Coffee- especially when someone else makes it
37. practicing yoga in complete silence
38. the moment your yoga teacher says something that you're positive they pulled directly from your life
39. Brie
40. My grandma, who I get to have lunch with every week
41. Spotify
42. Stealing my friends playlists off Spotify
43. Homemade Chex Mix
44. Taking really deep breaths- go ahead- take the deepest breath of your day so far
45. Peonies
46. salted caramel
47. Living on the water and looking at the ocean every day
48. gin and tonic
49. red string on my left wrist
50. Pomello
51. Bravo TV
52. having the nickname bunny
53. random acts of kindness
54. large mugs
55. cinnamon anything
56. sock buns
57. "re-purposing" ugly run t-shirts into cute racer back tanks
58. hamsas
59. being able to walk in very high heels
60. cold watermelon on a hot day
61. down dog. it just feels so damn good.
62. ballerinas doing yoga
63. weekends full of DIY ambition
64. throwing weekend ambition to the wayside in favor of a new unplanned plan
65. G-chat
66. the song yoga girl
67. bows
68. Moroccan inspired decor
69. raspberries - especially when eaten directly from the container
70. freshly washed sheets, especially when they're white. especially when I didn't have to wash them.
71. refined sugar
72. being introduced as someones yoga teacher
73. Israel
74. quotes like this one "We must be our own before we can be another's."
75. and this one "in the depths of winter, I discovered there was in me an invincible summer" -Camus
76. and finally this one "You are a perishable item. Live accordingly."
77. Free samples, of anything.
78. apps - both on my phone and before a meal
79. cashmere slippers
80. large candles
81. parents who are unconditionally supportive. unless I'm doing something really stupid. then they tell me.
82. avocados. with salt. eaten with a spoon directly from the skin.
83. cupcakes
84. nars laguna bronzer
85. an apartment full of pictures of incredible moments
86. foam rollers
87. to do lists
88. knowing that all the challenges that seem impossible today will be just a blip a year from now
89. a cool breeze in the middle of insufferable heat
90. driving aimlessly
91. baby goats
92. braids
93. yoga workshops - the nerdier the better. past life regression- yes please.
94. being so exhausted after a workout you literally feel like you've been wrung out
95. fresh snow
96. hot baths
97. sun worshiping
98. sparkles
99. Teaching 6 times a week- how lucky am I? How did that happen?!?
100. using legal jargon. current faves are evidently, allegedly, and fringe benefit.
101. sunset on a clear day when the entire sky turns shades of hot pink and lavender
102. fielding completely inappropriate questions from my mother
103. spending hours planning, prepping, shopping for, and cooking a meal for friends and then sharing it with them
104. impromptu tequila fueled happy hour on my balcony
105.Quinoa with a poached egg and a little pesto- it is literally the perfect meal, I had to stop blogging to go make some for lunch.
106. hiking
107. concerts
108. creating this list rather than studying for my exam, which is on Friday. I'm gonna go do that now.
Over the past week I have talked to my classes about Yom Kippur, the day of atonement in Judaism, which is coming up this week. In the days between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur we are supposed to ask our fellow man for forgiveness, but on this holiest day of the year we ask for forgiveness from G-d. I have talked to my classes about being their own Higher Power, asking themselves for forgiveness and then granting that forgiveness.
I have asked them all to practice with more, ahimsa, compassion for themselves, less judgement. And then I have asked them to take that feeling of self-compassion out of the studio, off the mat, and into their lives. Its a tall order I know, but as I speak about ahimsa, I can see what I'm saying is hitting home with so many of my students as they nod their heads along while I speak to them.
Increasingly I find myself awake in the early hours of the morning contemplating decisions I have made. Don't worry my friends, I'm no longer lying on my mat in a crumpled little pile. I've made it off the mat and back into the world, still knowing my mat is a little haven for me, and returning there with frequency. As you can imagine accompanying all this contemplation of my decisions comes a range of emotions: regret, anger, self-satisfaction, pain, joy. And yet a lack of ahimsa.
I know I am my own worst critic. I often think of it as being critical in a loving way, the way a parent pushes their child to do more, better, faster, stronger, I push myself. It seems I may have found the tipping point of pushing myself to be better. I often ask my students to quiet the negative chatter in their minds when they practice, but I have been unable to do the same. I have found myself tearing apart every choice I have made over the past two years. And regretting a good portion of my choices. I wasn't as loving as I could have been. I was selfish. I went to the library when I could have stayed and studied at home with my partner. I chose activities around campus rather than building my relationship.
I recognize the harshness with which I am treating myself. I haven't made all bad choices, but in this moment I'm having a hard time taking my own advice and treating my practice, my life, my choices, with ahimsa.
I would like to say that what I will do is spend more of my thoughts being compassionate to myself, but I can't promise that. I can promise myself that I will try for more compassion. I can promise I will keep trying to be my own Higher Power and to forgive myself.
Here is one thing that I know for sure, I'm good at asking for forgiveness. It can take me some time, but I can recognize when I have been wrong. When I get there I admit it and I ask to be forgiven. So you can bet on Yom Kippur I will be asking my Higher Power for forgiveness, I will keep asking myself for forgiveness, and I will always ask the person I have harmed for forgiveness.
For right now that's the best I can do as far as ahimsa for myself. I always tell my students that as long as they are truly trying the effort is what brings the benefit, I'm going to work on taking my own advice today.
Some days yoga is easy, your body asks you for it, begs you for it. Your mat seems to unroll itself and you float on to it. You think about the ease of your practice and how yoga is so right for you and your life.
Some days it takes every ounce of strength you have just to put your mat on the floor. That day you lie in a broken pile on your mat, and that is your yoga. You think, "I'm not sure if I can even keep breathing, but if I can that's my yoga today." And so you do, and its excruciating. Every breath feels like a marathon. The idea of leaving your thoughts off the mat that day is an impossibility. Your thoughts swirl around you and taunt you, refusing to quiet. You laugh to yourself as you think "I just need to breathe louder than my thoughts." Because your thoughts are screaming at you.
Today I am lying in a broken pile. I don't even know how I made it on to my mat. But I know at 3am I woke up crawled out of bed and curled up here and I can't really tell you why I chose that this morning.
Yoga serves different purposes on different days. There are days its a workout, I just want to sweat so I practice. There are days I need some introspection and so I meditate though my practice. Today I don't know if I can do anything more with my life than just lie here, so that's exactly what I'm doing.
I've spent the past days barraging myself with positive ideas. When something good leaves you have space for something even better. Standing in the rubble of what once was is an opportunity to build again. Fear of being alone is just that, fear, so acknowledge it and get stronger. Thinking all those positive thoughts felt like the right thing to be doing right now.
But right now those positive thoughts aren't serving me. You've heard me and a million other yoga teachers tell you, "Whatever isn't serving you today, just let it go." Well, today all that positivity isn't serving me. Today I am served by feeling my excruciatingly deep pain.
Don't get me wrong, especially on a day like today I feel gratitude. It's September 11th, and to not mention the tragedy that this country faced 11 years ago would be a mistake. And so today, even as I feel like the pain I am feeling is deeper, and darker, and impossible to climb out of, I know deep down it isn't. And that is when I feel a glimmer of gratitude and those positive thoughts start to trickle back in.
I know that in order to feel pain this deep and profound, to have my heart broken so completely means that my heart was totally exposed and I loved deeply. The person I loved taught me how to love myself when I hated myself. I know that I loved someone more than I had ever imagined possible and that person loved me more than I even loved myself. When I think about it that way how can I feel anything but gratitude, what more can I ask for than to have had someone in my life who truely saw me and loved me?
Today it feels like I'm never going to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart. And so today I'm not going to.
Today is my last first day of school. Weird. It is an extreme bittersweet feeling, I have literally been working towards this goal for as long as I can remember, but I feel a little bit of emptiness. What do I do now? I think I have to be an adult. Not so interested in that part. But that's a few months off, and today I'm just going to deal with today.
Today I have to go back to my balancing act. I don't get to be the sweaty yogini that I've been for the last month. I have to put on real clothes. That don't involve spandex. Add that to the list of things I'm not so interested in. But alas, here I am in my first day of school outfit (yes, I laid it out last night), backpack packed and ready to go.
This morning as I got ready and ran a few errands I really meditated (or "thought about" for you non-sweaty people) on how to keep a nice balance between all that I do. I am often told that I take too much onto my plate, that I'm doing too much. This may be true, but balancing it what I do, when I only have one thing to focus on I go a little crazy. So today I'm taking one more thing onto my plate, filling up on not just yoga but now a healthy helping of tax law.
As sad and weird as it feels to be near the end of my life as a student, I'm amazed at how my track has changed from my "plan". Yes, I've always wanted to to go to law school and now that's almost over, but I've picked up some extra little things along my path. The empty feeling of being so close to the end of law school really has been filled by the extras that I've picked up.
Yoga is one of those extras, even though I've been practicing for much longer than I've been a law student, my practice has deepened significantly while in law school. Not what one might expect, but thats just how it worked out. So, as I make my schedule (yes, I write out my schedule a week in advance) it includes studying and class, but it also includes my own practice and time to teach others.
Its all about balance, we don't all have law school and yoga but we all have careers, family, gym, partner, friends, and ourselves. Maybe writing out your schedule a week in advance is crazy, but maybe if it lets you get a little more onto your plate with ease it's worth it.
I've had a crazy few days. Teacher training with Allaine is wrapping up, I have both of my written exams and one of my practicals on Friday. On top of that life has thrown a few challanges at me. My computer decided it would go on summer vacation (have I backed up you ask? Of course not!). I got in a car accident (I'm fine a cab hit me).
I have found that this yoga teacher training, what I might see as the pinnacle of my yoga journey so far, has been an incredible experience of getting to know myself, the things I love about me and the things I wish I did differently. In the past I have been reactive, when someone did something I didn't like, I let them know. Like, 3 seconds after they did whatever that thing was. I had no delay button. I got really angry really fast, and frequently. That is a little trait that seems to have disappeared, thankfully.
My lack of patience has been replaced with a deep sense of gratitude and love. I'm doing that thing that annoys me when someone else does it, I'm clearly talking about something specific in a sort of generalized way, so I'll just tell you what happened. I had a member of my family do something very hurtful to me, they told me they didn't want me to be a part of their lives anymore, I was disowned. Six months or a year ago I might have blown up at them, a month ago I might have felt really sorry for myself and wondered what I had done wrong and wallowed.
Instead I had this interaction and I instantly felt abundant love for them. I dedicated my yoga practice to them the next time I was on the mat. Was what they did hurtful? Absolutely. Am I hurt by it? Not at all.
I feel immense love and gratitude for that person for all of the time they were in my life, even if they choose to not be in it any longer. And the reality is a space has been created for more love to come into my life. I now have more space for more friends and family to be welcomed in.
To some this will seem like a callous reaction, you might even think that I'm just not dealing with what is going on. But what I'm telling you is the absolute truth for me. My yoga journey has changed me in many ways, from buying weirder stuff at the grocery store to wearing spandex on a almost constant basis. Most importantly I have a profound sense of gratitude for my life and all of my experiences, so much so that when something happens that might be "bad" or "hurtful" all I feel is love for the person I am interacting with.
with a deep sense of gratitude for your presence in my life,
Rachel
Today was a LOOOOOONG day. I stared at 9am with a gentle yoga with Allaine then 10:30am power hot yoga with Pablo then four hours of teacher training. I was not into it today. When your body has gotten used to one series of actions, taking a different route is really hard. I'm used to biking to yoga and biking home. I have things I like to do after yoga class. Showering is one of those things. After hot yoga its a requirement.
That doesn't happen for me any more. I do yoga and then I sit through a teacher training for four hours. Its exhausting. Its also a little gross. Don't get me wrong I rinse off but I'm not getting the full scrub down I really need. Spending 8 hours a day at the yoga studio also means that I essentially don't do anything else in my life but yoga.
In fact I am officially getting burnt out. I haven't spoken to anyone in my family for more than 5 minutes and I haven't seen my boyfriend for more than a consecutive hour since teacher training started. That is why I made a bold move tonight.
I'm ignoring my homework, I didn't come home and roll out my mat and start practicing what I learned today in class. Maybe tomorrow I'll decide this was a bad choice but right now I'm watching a documentary, sitting on my couch, drinking an awesome bottle of champagne and cuddling with my two faves: my boyfriend and my dog.
Yoga is a sanskrit word that means union. The fact is that my life has not felt very cohesive for the last week or so. I feel like I have a yoga life and a real life. My real life has ended. So tonight is the comeback of my real life.
Starting right this second I'm going to make an effort to have a little more union, a little more yoga in my life. You know what that might mean? A little less yoga homework might get done. But I think thats worthwhile if I get to talk to my sister and maybe see a little daylight.
How does this relate you you? You're sane, you didn't take too much on to your plate right? Pardon my language but BULLS*$%T! We all have too much on our plates. We all take on too many responsibilities. We all ignore people and things that deserve more attention. We all need a little yoga. A little union.
Try it. It feels really good to say, "I'm going to say no to something in order to give the people I love a little more time."
In the meantime I'm going to finish my bottle of champs with my little family.
We've all heard the same thing in various yoga classes: "yoga isn't about ego", "focus on your own practice", "look inward not to others", "take a child's pose if your body asks for it". But what if a little ego is good? What if looking over at the guy next to you makes you push yourself a little farther than you would other wise.
I once heard a teacher speak about the balance between ahimsa (non-violence) and satyam (truth). The idea of "check your ego at the door" speaks to the first principle, ahimsa, being non-violent to your own body. The problem with this concept is that it can also be complacency. Lazyness and compassion are a breath apart on your yoga mat. Satyam on the other hand is the trueness of your practice. When you say to yourself "I'm taking a child's pose because this is what my body is asking for today" it feels very zen goddess yogini doesn't it? But get real, you're a badass, you can do one more breath. And it's gonna hurt and thats awesome. The trueness of your practice is that you can take one more breath.
Let's be clear I'm not saying you should be in pain to the point that you hurt yourself. I'm saying when your muscles burn and you want to cry and quit and take a child's pose, instead take a breath, sink deeper, open your heart brighter, sweat a little more.
Now for those who are kind enough to read this and don't do yoga you make have checked out a few sentences ago (likely when I mentioned sanskrit). How do these principles apply to the world off the mat you ask? Why thanks for asking! I have an answer. Or at least an attempt at an answer.
Today at work someone said something a little rude to me about leaving early to go to my yoga teacher training. They essentially implied I was being lazy by leaving early. My initial reaction was to just ignore the comment, ahimsa right? I was being compassionate to that person. I'm a zen loving, mala bead wearing, incense burning yogini so I'm not going to lower myself and make a rude comment back. They weren't really upset with me their snarky comment was really about themselves not me.
Then I thought about truth. The truth was I would think about this comment all day. Here we are 12 hours later and I'm writing about it. So instead I said something. I just expressed my gratitude that I get to be in court every morning and on my mat in the afternoon. How lucky am I? Very. And I know it. And so I told them how lucky and blessed and grateful I am.
how can you feel anything but grateful when this is right outside your window?
So I've created a new road. The "high road" or not reacting to a rude comment is being diverted to a little path called satyam street. I'm gonna walk on that road for a while and see how it feels, I'm betting its going to feel as good as holding a yoga pose for an extra breath does.
