108 things I love right now

I've had some intense posts lately, but not to worry its not all doom and gloom over here. I'm a happy camper most of the time, as such here it is a whole post about happiness, gratitude, thanks, fulfilment.

108 is a significant number in both Buddhism and Hinduism, japa malas have 108 beads. So here it is, 108 things I am totally in love with and grateful for right now.

1. My puppy (you knew that was coming) 

2.The fact that you always have a chance for a new beginning
3. The awesome new yoga gig I got yesterday- hello, Fountainbleau
4. Fall break is in 3 days!
5. I will be done with corporate tax class in 3 days!
6. Hot pink yoga pants

7. The ability to back up my computer
8. Actually remembering to backup my computer
9. Hot tea
10. The smell of amber oil- perfume, in hair, on my mat
11. Friends, who call me and text me exactly when I need it
12. Family, who call me and text me even when I don't need it
13. sparkling water
14. Huge kitchen table/ desk/ mail sorting area
15. Having more art than wall space
16. My ever growing yoga mat collection
17. My ever growing yoga pant collection
18. The number of oils I now own, not the cooking kind, the scented kind
19. My reclaimed love of running
20. The stack of magazines just waiting for me to take them to the beach next week
21. Cuts, bumps, bruises, scratches all over my legs from an awesome Mud Run on Sunday
22. Playing Jay-Z in yoga class
23. The yoga loyalists who show up at 6:30am twice a week to practice with me
24. lebneh
25. A best friend who is willing to g-chat all day, and supplement constant g-chatting with at least two phone calls in order to deal with emergencies such as: I'm not sure which shade of hot pink to paint my nails, I'm not sure if I'm doing anything right in my life, I'm not sure what to teach my class tonight.

26. the feeling of settling into savasana after a super hard practice- what can I say I love lying in a pool of my own sweat
27. the temperature is FINALLY dropping- it just might get down to the high 70's next week
28. I get to go to the beach in the middle of October
30. the feeling when a yoga teacher opens the door after a sweaty hot practice and a breeze rushes into the room
31. waking up before the alarm goes off and feeling totally rested
32. a little sister who regularly dances around in a leotard and fur vest (don't worry Bex I'll save the video for a special occasion)
33. Orchids
34. Coconut Oil. In food. In hair. On skin. Its literally the greatest product in my world
35. Carmex- specifically vanilla flavored
36. Coffee- especially when someone else makes it
37. practicing yoga in complete silence
38. the moment your yoga teacher says something that you're positive they pulled directly from your life
39. Brie
40. My grandma, who I get to have lunch with every week
41. Spotify
42. Stealing my friends playlists off Spotify
43. Homemade Chex Mix
44. Taking really deep breaths- go ahead- take the deepest breath of your day so far
45. Peonies

46. salted caramel
47. Living on the water and looking at the ocean every day
48. gin and tonic
49. red string on my left wrist
50. Pomello
51. Bravo TV
52. having the nickname bunny

53. random acts of kindness
54. large mugs
55. cinnamon anything
56. sock buns
57. "re-purposing" ugly run t-shirts into cute racer back tanks
58. hamsas
59. being able to walk in very high heels
60. cold watermelon on a hot day
61. down dog. it just feels so damn good.
62. ballerinas doing yoga

63. weekends full of DIY ambition
64. throwing weekend ambition to the wayside in favor of a new unplanned plan
65. G-chat
66. the song yoga girl

67. bows
68. Moroccan inspired decor
69. raspberries - especially when eaten directly from the container
70. freshly washed sheets, especially when they're white. especially when I didn't have to wash them.
71. refined sugar
72. being introduced as someones yoga teacher
73. Israel

74. quotes like this one "We must be our own before we can be another's."
75. and this one "in the depths of winter, I discovered there was in me an invincible summer" -Camus
76. and finally this one "You are a perishable item. Live accordingly."
77. Free samples, of anything.
78. apps - both on my phone and before a meal
79. cashmere slippers
80. large candles
81. parents who are unconditionally supportive. unless I'm doing something really stupid. then they tell me.

82. avocados. with salt. eaten with a spoon directly from the skin.
83. cupcakes
84. nars laguna bronzer
85. an apartment full of pictures of incredible moments
86. foam rollers
87. to do lists
88. knowing that all the challenges that seem impossible today will be just a blip a year from now
89. a cool breeze in the middle of insufferable heat
90. driving aimlessly
91. baby goats

92. braids
93. yoga workshops - the nerdier the better. past life regression- yes please.
94. being so exhausted after a workout you literally feel like you've been wrung out
95. fresh snow
96. hot baths
97. sun worshiping
98. sparkles
99. Teaching 6 times a week- how lucky am I? How did that happen?!?
100. using legal jargon. current faves are evidently, allegedly, and fringe benefit.
101. sunset on a clear day when the entire sky turns shades of hot pink and lavender
102. fielding completely inappropriate questions from my mother
103. spending hours planning, prepping, shopping for, and cooking a meal for friends and then sharing it with them
104. impromptu tequila fueled happy hour on my balcony
105.Quinoa with a poached egg and a little pesto- it is literally the perfect meal, I had to stop blogging to go make some for lunch.
106. hiking
107. concerts
108. creating this list rather than studying for my exam, which is on Friday. I'm gonna go do that now.

asking for forgiveness

Over the past week I have talked to my classes about Yom Kippur, the day of atonement in Judaism, which is coming up this week. In the days between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur we are supposed to ask our fellow man for forgiveness, but on this holiest day of the year we ask for forgiveness from G-d. I have talked to my classes about being their own Higher Power, asking themselves for forgiveness and then granting that forgiveness.

I have asked them all to practice with more, ahimsa, compassion for themselves, less judgement. And then I have asked them to take that feeling of self-compassion out of the studio, off the mat, and into their lives. Its a tall order I know, but as I speak about ahimsa, I can see what I'm saying is hitting home with so many of my students as they nod their heads along while I speak to them.

Increasingly I find myself awake in the early hours of the morning contemplating decisions I have made.  Don't worry my friends, I'm no longer lying on my mat in a crumpled little pile.  I've made it off the mat and back into the world, still knowing my mat is a little haven for me, and returning there with frequency.  As you can imagine accompanying all this contemplation of my decisions comes a range of emotions: regret, anger, self-satisfaction, pain, joy. And yet a lack of ahimsa.

I know I am my own worst critic.  I often think of it as being critical in a loving way, the way a parent pushes their child to do more, better, faster, stronger, I push myself.  It seems I may have found the tipping point of pushing myself to be better. I often ask my students to quiet the negative chatter in their minds when they practice, but I have been unable to do the same. I have found myself tearing apart every choice I have made over the past two years. And regretting a good portion of my choices.  I wasn't as loving as I could have been. I was selfish. I went to the library when I could have stayed and studied at home with my partner. I chose activities around campus rather than building my relationship.

I recognize the harshness with which I am treating myself. I haven't made all bad choices, but in this moment I'm having a hard time taking my own advice and treating my practice, my life, my choices, with ahimsa.

I would like to say that what I will do is spend more of my thoughts being compassionate to myself, but I can't promise that. I can promise myself that I will try for more compassion. I can promise I will keep trying to be my own Higher Power and to forgive myself.

Here is one thing that I know for sure, I'm good at asking for forgiveness. It can take me some time, but I can recognize when I have been wrong. When I get there I admit it and I ask to be forgiven.  So you can bet on Yom Kippur I will be asking my Higher Power for forgiveness, I will keep asking myself for forgiveness, and I will always ask the person I have harmed for forgiveness.

For right now that's the best I can do as far as ahimsa for myself.  I always tell my students that as long as they are truly trying the effort is what brings the benefit, I'm going to work on taking my own advice today.

Namaste,
Rachel

why laying in a broken pile on your mat is enough

Some days yoga is easy, your body asks you for it, begs you for it. Your mat seems to unroll itself and you float on to it.  You think about the ease of your practice and how yoga is so right for you and your life.

Some days it takes every ounce of strength you have just to put your mat on the floor. That day you lie in a broken pile on your mat, and that is your yoga.  You think, "I'm not sure if I can even keep breathing, but if I can that's my yoga today." And so you do, and its excruciating.  Every breath feels like a marathon.  The idea of leaving your thoughts off the mat that day is an impossibility. Your thoughts swirl around you and taunt you, refusing to quiet.  You laugh to yourself as you think "I just need to breathe louder than my thoughts."  Because your thoughts are screaming at you.

Today I am lying in a broken pile.  I don't even know how I made it on to my mat. But I know at 3am I woke up crawled out of bed and curled up here and I can't really tell you why I chose that this morning.

Yoga serves different purposes on different days. There are days its a workout, I just want to sweat so I practice.  There are days I need some introspection and so I meditate though my practice.  Today I don't know if I can do anything more with my life than just lie here, so that's exactly what I'm doing.

I've spent the past days barraging myself with positive ideas. When something good leaves you have space for something even better. Standing in the rubble of what once was is an opportunity to build again.  Fear of being alone is just that, fear, so acknowledge it and get stronger.  Thinking all those positive thoughts felt like the right thing to be doing right now.

But right now those positive thoughts aren't serving me.  You've heard me and a million other yoga teachers tell you, "Whatever isn't serving you today, just let it go." Well, today all that positivity isn't serving me.  Today I am served by feeling my excruciatingly deep pain.

Don't get me wrong, especially on a day like today I feel gratitude.  It's September 11th, and to not mention the tragedy that this country faced 11 years ago would be a mistake.  And so today, even as I feel like the pain I am feeling is deeper, and darker, and impossible to climb out of, I know deep down it isn't.  And that is when I feel a glimmer of gratitude and those positive thoughts start to trickle back in.

I know that in order to feel pain this deep and profound, to have my heart broken so completely means that my heart was totally exposed and I loved deeply.  The person I loved taught me how to love myself when I hated myself. I know that I loved someone more than I had ever imagined possible and that person loved me more than I even loved myself. When I think about it that way how can I feel anything but gratitude, what more can I ask for than to have had someone in my life who truely saw me and loved me?

Today it feels like I'm never going to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart. And so today I'm not going to.

Namaste,
Rachel

balancing act

Today is my last first day of school. Weird.  It is an extreme bittersweet feeling, I have literally been working towards this goal for as long as I can remember, but I feel a little bit of emptiness. What do I do now? I think I have to be an adult. Not so interested in that part. But that's a few months off, and today I'm just going to deal with today.

Today I have to go back to my balancing act. I don't get to be the sweaty yogini that I've been for the last month.  I have to put on real clothes.  That don't involve spandex.  Add that to the list of things I'm not so interested in.  But alas, here I am in my first day of school outfit (yes, I laid it out last night), backpack packed and ready to go.

This morning as I got ready and ran a few errands I really meditated (or "thought about" for you non-sweaty people) on how to keep a nice balance between all that I do.  I am often told that I take too much onto my plate, that I'm doing too much.  This may be true, but balancing it what I do, when I only have one thing to focus on I go a little crazy. So today I'm taking one more thing onto my plate, filling up on not just yoga but now a healthy helping of tax law.

As sad and weird as it feels to be near the end of my life as a student, I'm amazed at how my track has changed from my "plan". Yes, I've always wanted to to go to law school and now that's almost over, but I've picked up some extra little things along my path. The empty feeling of being so close to the end of law school really has been filled by the extras that I've picked up.

Yoga is one of those extras, even though I've been practicing for much longer than I've been a law student, my practice has deepened significantly while in law school.  Not what one might expect, but thats just how it worked out.  So, as I make my schedule (yes, I write out my schedule a week in advance) it includes studying and class, but it also includes my own practice and time to teach others.

Its all about balance, we don't all have law school and yoga but we all have careers, family, gym, partner, friends, and ourselves.  Maybe writing out your schedule a week in advance is crazy, but maybe if it lets you get a little more onto your plate with ease it's worth it.

Namaste,
Rachel

the light in me sees the light in you

Anyone who has been to a yoga class has heard this word, namaste.  It happens to be that I have been thinking about this word quite a bit over the past few days and weeks. Likely because I have finished my official teacher training, with just a few hours to spend with Fred in the studio left before I'm unleashed on the yoga world. As I finished this part of my yoga journey I found that I wanted to thank those around me and the word namaste kept coming to mind. Some of you may have seen the picture and note that I posted on facebook thanking all my teachers and fellow yogis:

To all of my amazing yoga teachers and those who have shared the mat with me: You each bring a wonderful light into my life. I am eternally greatful for each and every one of you and all that you give to me through your words, actions, and thoughts. I would have never made it through teacher training without your love. I say to each of you with the deepest sense of gratitude, namaste.

When I first started practicing I said namaste because that's what yoga people do. At the end of class you say namaste. I was told the basic definition "the light in me, honors, recognizes, and loves the light in you", or something close to that. I was satisfied with that definition for a long time. I've heard some variations over the years, but that is the heart of it.

I've been bopping around the Internet looking for other meanings, deeper meanings and I ran across an article today (how convenient!). The definition I liked the most was this one:

As my journey has taken me deeper, both into the asana practice and also into the other limbs of yoga, namaste has taken on something greater.  Maybe greater isn't the right word, but truer. I actually do recognize that light in those around me.  My yogis truly bring a light into my life in a unique way that I have never before experienced.

Let me break it down for you non-sweaty people.  Those of us who spend hours on the mat, sweating, wearing spandex, discussing natural deodorant, and the best brand of kombucha, share something.  Something deeper than general sweaty stinkyness (we do have that too).  I have found that these are the people who greet me with a hug every time they see me.  These are the people who look at me differently than anyone else in my life.

There is something very particular about the way yoga people look and speak to each other.  Something that made me uncomfortable when I was new to this world. Yoga people speak close.  They are in your personal space and they touch you.  No regard for the fact that you have been sweating your asana off.  And, they look right into your eyes.  Not in the make eye contact in a job interview sort of way, in the I'm really listening to you and understanding you way.  Its a little scary at first, because we spend most of our time not doing that or just looking at people in a cursory way.

So why do yogis get so close and look so deep? I think it comes back to namaste. If you aren't looking deep how could you possibly see the light in someone else?  By looking deeply into those around us we are able to see the light that shines from them and we are able to acknowledge how much we love them for that.  We look deep to see the light in others, because that light is a reflection of the light within ourselves.

Namaste,
Rachel

ups and downs

I've had a crazy few days. Teacher training with Allaine is wrapping up, I have both of my written exams and one of my practicals on Friday.  On top of that life has thrown a few challanges at me. My computer decided it would go on summer vacation (have I backed up you ask? Of course not!). I got in a car accident (I'm fine a cab hit me).

I have found that this yoga teacher training, what I might see as the pinnacle of my yoga journey so far, has been an incredible experience of getting to know myself, the things I love about me and the things I wish I did differently.  In the past I have been reactive, when someone did something I didn't like, I let them know. Like, 3 seconds after they did whatever that thing was. I had no delay button. I got really angry really fast, and frequently. That is a little trait that seems to have disappeared, thankfully.

My lack of patience has been replaced with a deep sense of gratitude and love.  I'm doing that thing that annoys me when someone else does it, I'm clearly talking about something specific in a sort of generalized way, so I'll just tell you what happened.  I had a member of my family do something very hurtful to me, they told me they didn't want me to be a part of their lives anymore, I was disowned.  Six months or a year ago I might have blown up at them, a month ago I might have felt really sorry for myself and wondered what I had done wrong and wallowed.

Instead I had this interaction and I instantly felt abundant love for them. I dedicated my yoga practice to them the next time I was on the mat. Was what they did hurtful? Absolutely. Am I hurt by it? Not at all.

I feel immense love and gratitude for that person for all of the time they were in my life, even if they choose to not be in it any longer. And the reality is a space has been created for more love to come into my life. I now have more space for more friends and family to be welcomed in.

To some this will seem like a callous reaction, you might even think that I'm just not dealing with what is going on.  But what I'm telling you is the absolute truth for me. My yoga journey has changed me in many ways, from buying weirder stuff at the grocery store to wearing spandex on a almost constant basis. Most importantly I have a profound sense of gratitude for my life and all of my experiences, so much so that when something happens that might be "bad" or "hurtful" all I feel is love for the person I am interacting with.

with a deep sense of gratitude for your presence in my life,
Rachel 

Mom is always right...

One of my favorite things in life is being surprised. This doesn't happen often, just ask my boyfriend. I am nearly impossible to surprise. So I was pleased as peaches today (excuse my crazy phrases I think I'm high on headstands) when I was surprised.

On the first day of teacher training a few rules were laid out, you may remember them from my first post. One of them was that we could not complain. About anything. Ever. At the time Fred told us that if we did this we would see a difference when other people complained to us. We would see it as weakness. As Fred said this, Allaine nodded her head. This idea was sealed by the two people who were in charge of my life, it was now a fact. Complaining = weakness. I thought they were wrong. They were, as they usually are, right. 

At the time that seemed harsh to say we would think others were weak. Very harsh. But then today, I found myself listening to a friend complaining and I wanted to look at them and say, "Well if you have a problem fix it, but this conversation is highly annoying and you just sound whiny." Whoa, thats a little out of character. Harsh. But that was how I felt. 

I have been going through this challenging journey and I have been kicking ass if I do say so myself. As this person whined to me and ignored all suggestions of solutions all I could think about was how out of control of their own life they are. I have to admit it, I thought they were weak. 

This obviously is not the nicest thought I have ever had. It was followed by immediate guilt for thinking such a negative thought about someone else. Then I thought about something that my mom has told me my entire life. Prepare yourselves you're about to get sage Fancy Nancy advice: only be friends with people who make you the best version of yourself. 

The thoughts I was having were not making me the best version of myself. I realized that being friends with someone who chooses not to control their destiny and rather than complain take action is not going to make me the person I want to be. But I also realized I could use my frustration to practice compassion and love. 

Overall a day of wonderful lessons: 1. Mom is always right 2. You can always be surprised 3.  Allaine and Fred are almost as right as Mom. 

Namaste, 

Rachel